Of Bumblyburg and Prideful Thoughts

Went for my driver's test today. Failed it miserably. I was upset.

But more than being upset, I was angry. At first I thought I was angry at the "stupid lady" who graded me on my driving. Then I came to the conclusion that it wasn't her, but the heavy traffic that I had to maneuver because of the time of day. Or that truck that tried to pass me on the right while I was trying to merge quickly into that lane. Mixed with my current level of frustration and lack of sleep, this provided the perfect explanation for me. But after slamming the strings of my acoustic for a while, I decided that it was neither of those reasons that I was really mad at.

I was simply mad at myself.

Not just mad because I had failed it, but mad because now I have to go tell everybody that I failed it. This is especially bad when you've previously found everyone that would listen to you, and excitedly told them that you had a driver's test today. My natural reaction was anger, because if I got angry at all the things that hurt me, perhaps everyone would feel sorry for me instead of laughing or telling me how much of a failure I am. I've already been told that once today. At least if I got really mad then maybe no one would really approach me about it. But whatever the case, the excuses and the anger flowed from my every pore.

After pouring my angry heart out to God for a while, it is plain as day to me that my failure was fully and completely my fault. Yes, I think I have a right to be disappointed in myself and maybe even in my circumstances, but I absolutely don't have a right to make excuses and beat myself up for the rest of the day. It may not exactly be hakuna matata, but the past is the past, and the past is not something to dwell on. . . It's something to learn from.

So what can I learn from this?

First, I should focus on improving my driving in the areas that were mentioned in the after-test report thing. But I think there is a deeper lesson to be learned. I have often heard the proverb "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall," but never has it been more real to me than this. I have drawn a new dimension into my knowledge of this phrase. It is true that pride may make your chances of failing higher, that overconfidence could lead to complete destruction, especially if that overconfidence has no basis.

I think there are two different kinds of pride: genuine pride in some accomplishment you or someone you love has made, and the kind of bragging pride that is either hurtful to someone else, or even yourself, being that your pride is based on absolute speculation, or is not even yours to be proud of. Although there is an extremely fine line between the two, I believe the pride spoken of in Proverbs 16:18 is the second, more arrogant, pride. In this sense of the word, my recent epiphany has led me to read this as "Pride increases destruction, a haughty spirit lengthens the fall." By this I mean to say that pride not only increases your chances of destruction, but also that pride makes the fall hurt worse. When pride leads you to go bragging all over the place about this or that, if for some reason, or by some slim chance that thing that you've been bragging about turns out not to be true, you're not only unhappy, but your reputation is damaged and you are pained more than you would have been had you kept your excitement to yourself. The more and more you tell people of your pride, the harder you fall if it turns out to not be true.

This makes me think back to the lessons on lying that I learned as a child. The more you lie, the more you have to lie to cover up that lie, and so on. Eventually, just like our fine friend Junior the Asparagus, you build up a fib so big that it threatens to destroy the Bumblyburg inside of you. Eventually almost every case is discovered, and as I learned the hard way, the spankings last longer and hurt more if you lie about it. Just the same, the consequences of pride can be disastrous.

My mom told me a little thing about meekness the other day. Meekness is not synonymous with weakness. On the contrary, it is the humble strength that says "I have nothing to prove; my life will speak for itself." If you have meekness, you don't need to have pride; your life will speak for itself. Then others will speak for you, which is more honorable than speaking for yourself. Jesus Himself said when he was being doubted: "If I glorify myself, my glory means nothing. My Father, whom you claim as your God, is the one who glorifies me" (John 8:54).

Looking back over my ramblings I see that I have gone on many tangents, and I don't quite see how to wrap this up. Thus, may God bless us all as we battle pride and search for meekness. It will benefit us in the end.