This is . . . Life?

My friend died this morning.

How do you go on from there? I didn't know her well, even when I was living in Canada, sitting across the aisle from her on the bus. Holly Baycroft always seemed quiet, kinda tucked inside herself, but cool. I don't think it has hit me yet. I'm just sort of sitting here pretending to be stunned. I am sorry, but I think part of me just doesn't believe it. Almost a mixture of hearing about some distant person dying, and trying to decipher when the sarcasm is ending in a conversation. I know I should be a lot more emotional than this. I'm just not. I am however trying to be contemplative. Death has never hit so close before. Death has always dwelled in far off places like Africa and my friend's cousin's dog's mother's roommate. Death just hit across the aisle from me.

What if my mom, sister, and brother got in a car accident. Only my brother survived, in critical condition. Worse yet, what if I thought that there was any chance that they might not spend eternity in God's love. New scenario. What if I helplessly watched from the sidelines as my dad turned down a chance to spare his own life by killing my mom, only to be chopped inch by inch from the legs up with machetes. My mom is killed similarly minutes later. My sister is sold as a sex-slave and my brothers are beaten to death.

These are not what-ifs. May God bless the people who have experienced this.

I just want to go hug everyone I know. Love is so . . . underrated. How have I interacted with my siblings today? I sat and had pictures with them, and played around on the hay bales a little bit. I pushed Gabe away when he was looking for attention. I gave Val one of those "oh that's cool" kinda answers when she tried to show me something today. Told a couple of them to get serious a few times. Stood by when Gabe cried over his recently dead mouse. Scolded Val for carrying the puppies wrong. Absentmindedly nodded at Gabe when he announced dinnertime. And Nate . . . I pretty much just didn't talk to him.

My parents took me to church and then met me at a local camp a few hours later. Then I grumbled at my mom when she took away from my "friend time" trying to get our family together for pictures at the camp. My last words to her as she rushed off to work from the picture session were probably something like, "Hey mom can I go now?"

And here I sit, facebooking, myspacing, blogging, and trying to make myself look like I'm good at guitar by playing all the easy songs I know. There must be more than this. That is the beginning of a song yearning for more of life. This is the beginning of a life yearning for more of God, more of love, more of life.

Fill us anew we pray, fill us anew we pray.